That's enough for now

It’s been a while since I had an entry. Life has been busy these past months. I’ve hardly held a book to read, and oh I haven’t even watched any series. I’m failing to find time to walk or run. Most of the time, I’m on the bus, making it my makeshift bed.

It’s been months, and life has changed a bit, or maybe more than just a bit. I’m living alone during weekdays, then driving to the province on weekends. I haven’t been home for 24 hours straight since March. So not me.

Well, that’s not really the point of this blog entry. I just feel like writing. I’m feeling lethargic lately, and I don’t think I’ll really be able to shake this off unless I write about it. Yes, lethargic. Lethargic in a way that I’m still performing. I’d like to believe that I’m still productive, still laughing, still engaging. Maybe that’s why I want to write this, because not everyone would understand. Not everyone would believe that there’s something going on inside me. I’m behaving okay and normal, as I should be. But still, I feel lethargic. Restless. Tired. And I’m trying to assess myself, figure out where this might be coming from.

Maybe because I am alone. Some people are alone but not lonely. But I must acknowledge that while being alone gives you solitude, at a certain point, it can make you feel lonely. In my case, I live alone now. I’ve lived alone before, and I thought I had gotten used to it, but things were different for a while. There was a time when coming home didn’t feel so quiet, when dinners weren’t just for one. But lately, adjusting has been harder. I’ve always said I’m a strong, independent woman. But I later realized I could do things because I knew someone had my back.

Sleeping alone. Eating alone. Driving alone.

Weekends are the only light, since I get to be with my loved ones, but the long drives and the weeklong exhaustion linger. Then I find myself torn between the guilt of not spending enough quality time with my family and the need to step back, knowing I’m not quite myself and wanting to spare them any heaviness I might be carrying.

Then comes another start to another stretch of being alone. Like I said, I’m still functioning. I can’t quite pinpoint where this is all coming from, but I have to admit, being alone at home kinda makes me lonely.

Still trying to figure out where this lethargy and restlessness are coming from. 

Maybe it’s because I’m just literally tired. Like I mentioned, I’ve been busy. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by the weight of the responsibilities on my shoulders. I used to have minor roles, used to work behind the scenes. Lowkey accomplishing tasks. Lowkey. Just quietly delivering, keeping a low profile. But lately, from being an extra, I’ve somehow stepped into a supporting role. Still not the lead, but yeah, supporting. And I’m getting a lot of exposure, if I may say so. Please don’t get me wrong, I love my job. I love what I’m doing. This is what I prayed for. And just like that, I’m reminded of the old line, be prepared for what you’ve been praying for. I believe I have long been ready. But maybe not that ready.

Again, the weight of the responsibilities is kinda heavy. Sometimes I just want to break down. But then again, this is what I asked for. I wanted this. I wanted to prove, more than to anyone, to myself, that I deserve to be where I am. But sometimes, I can’t help but feel overwhelmed. There is so much on my plate that I don’t even know where to start. Sometimes I’m already full, but I still have to keep going, because it never stops. But again, please don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. I know this comes with the role. I super appreciate all the trust and empowerment being given to me. And I’m taking it positively, that people rely on me because they believe I can deliver. As the cliche goes, the reward for good work is more work.

But I’m still human.

 As much as I want to finish everything, I still get tired, I still get exhausted. As much as I try to remember every detail, I still miss a few. As much as I try to understand everything, there are moments when I just zone out. As much as I want to do things perfectly, I still make mistakes. And as much as I try to keep things moving, there are times I feel stuck, clueless even. But even with all that, I still have to deliver. I don’t want to let down the people who trusted and believed in me. Imagine, I was a nobody, knew no one, and yet I got in. That, in itself, already feels like a badge of honor, and I choose to believe that it is. That is why I keep trying. That is why I keep showing up. That is why I keep getting things done. But honestly, it is starting to take a toll on me. Still, I love what I do. This is something I am super passionate about. It gives me a certain drive, a sense of purpose that keeps me going. I just really hope it doesn't come at the cost of burnout.

While I am still trying figure out where this lingering lethargy is coming from, it hit me just this morning, it’s already Sablay season. And with it comes that familiar ache, if only I did better. If only I focused more on studying. Maybe I could have been one of them. It stirs up the resentment I thought I had already buried. I don’t want to hold negative feelings toward anyone, especially not resentment, but sometimes, it just creeps in. I know some of it falls on me. I should have studied harder. I should have stood up for myself. I should have prioritized what truly mattered to me.

But then the intrusive thoughts come rushing in. If only I had been treated fairly. If only I had been given the same understanding others received. If only someone had cared enough to ask what I was going through. If only someone had seen how much it meant to me. But they didn’t. And now I’m left wondering what could have been. If things had been different, if people had been more thoughtful, maybe it would have changed the course of things. But here I am, in the present, watching from the sidelines, congratulating my former classmates, scrolling through their graduation photos, quietly wishing that one day, I’ll get to wear the Sablay again. But wishing alone won’t get me there. I need to study. And this time, I need to do better.

I still can’t figure out why I’m feeling this way. Maybe it’s the loneliness. Maybe it’s the exhaustion. Maybe it is the ache of all the what could have beens. Or maybe, it is all of it at once. Whatever it is, I am still in it. Still carrying it. But I’d like to believe that even in moments like this, something within me is holding on, and that’s enough for now.